You all know that I am no stranger to Tinder. Since June of last year I have had the app at least 4 or 5 different times. Every time, it is the same kinds of guys saying the exact same stock phrases and the same stock photo of them with their dogs. White girls get accused of being basic, but DAMN TINDER! Your dudes are just as basic as your chicks.
Let's examine the Tinder types for guys from the most obvious lefts to the more complex.
The most obvious left swipe is going to be the one without a picture. Dude, seriously? You're on a site that is 99% reliant on how hot or not you are. You just increased your chances of getting no matches by 100%... If you got a match, then she was on a drunken right swipe binge and desperate for attention. Chances are if you don't have a picture, I assume you have Dahmer eyes and I can't risk getting to know another crazy person. You're out, bro.
The second biggest reason I swipe left is because even though he has a pretty good smile and a cute puppy in his picture, he didn't say anything about himself.... If you cant find anything to say about yourself at all, how am I to expect a date with you to last longer than appetizers and small talk about the weather? Donezo.
The most stock phrased line in the "About me" is "If you want to know anything, just ask." NO! You had 400 characters and all you could muster was "its not my job to tell you about me. its your job to ask."???? GTFO.
In the running behind "Ask me" for the most commonly used tags on Tinder is the "Workout Junkie" his life revolves around how hot he is and he probably has at least 3 out of 6 mirror pics of his abs and/or his biceps. He might even finish off his about me with "Please be Polish and fit." they are usually fairly specific about who they swipe right back on. If you are unfortunate enough to get a date with one of these meat heads, be prepared for a long conversation about his Paleo diet and strict workout regimen. He might have a real job, but he doesn't really talk about that. Unless he is a personal trainer. Then, trust me, he will talk about it. and he will talk about how he can get you into the best shape of your life and fix any part of your body that you don't like. He has at least 10 parts of your body he doesn't like when he sees you in person, so don't worry, you've already lost. You could never live up to his ridiculous expectation... but neither can he. Ah, dysmorphia at its finest. I cant wait to hate you after three dates and feel fat enough to go home and eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's just to spite you. I LIKE MY FAT ASS!
If he seems fit but didn't talk about his workout regimen, he probably said something along the lines of "I'm the outdoorsy type" or "I love a good adventure." and has a picture of him running a marathon or rock climbing. I'm sure you do love a good adventure with Clark, Lewis. But I have zero desire to be your Sacajawea. I love the outdoors too; a lot actually. I love hiking and boating, but I'm fairly certain you don't have time for all of those leisurely white people activities all the time. Tell me more. Do you read? Do you make art? Do you play music? You have got to be more dynamic than "I like to be outside because outside is not inside and outside is better than inside." Cut me a fucking break. What do you do on regular day when you get home from work, Paul Bunyan? Jesus, give me some depth.
Maybe just as popular as the Outdoorsman is the Sports FANATIC! He will let you know he's a sports fan and exactly which teams he likes with zero punctuation, and at least two emojis. I am in the Midwest so "Cubs Hawks Bears Bulls" is a really common tag. I'm so glad you told me so much about yourself, dude! So you drink Old Style, own a Towes jersey, are stoked about Fox getting hired, and miss the glory days of Jordan?... I seriously, don't give a fuck about any of that. I feign my interest in sports in hopes of getting dates if the dude is hot enough, but if you look like John Goodman: NO CHANCE, BROSEPH.
Speaking of John Goodman looking dudes, lets be real. WHY do you think that picture of you with a double chin and dribble stains on your shirt at the bar is a good choice? No. Just NO. I'm swiping left on principle alone. If all your other pics are hot, but you still let that one slip through the cracks, no. You're gross. I don't care that you're a dog lover. NEWS FLASH: EVERYONE IS A FUCKING DOG LOVER.
The Party Animal comes in just after the Sports FANATIC. The Party Animal on Tinder will certainly have nearly EVERY photo taken in a club or bar. There is probably at least one pic of him doing a Jaeger bomb and one with hot blonde who cant be older than 19. I can kind of see the logic. "Put a picture of me up online with a hot chick and other women will want me because the hot girl wanted me." Uhm, no. No thanks. Actually, I know her. Her name is Chastity, or Hope... something shes never had. And we didn't get along in high school so her tastes are irrelevant and now you just look creepy, 35-year-old Craig. You know, I DO have a great sense of humor like you demand in your tag, but I like a man who jokes, not one who is a joke.
One thing that will make me swipe left faster than the Party Animal is the guy holding the baby. I don't give a fuck who you are or how much you love your niece or nephew or if its your own kid, DON'T MAKE THAT YOUR TINDER PIC. I love kids. I adore them and have plenty of pictures with other peoples kids. You will never find a pic of me holding a baby on Tinder. There are too man assumptions that come with an image of anyone holding a child. It is much responsibility and i'm not ready to be a part of anything involving someones little offspring. If you're family oriented, great. Tell me in the 400 characters you used to say "That's not my kid. It's my niece..." instead of making me auto swipe left because I can only assume at a glance it is yours.
If he does have a niece or nephew pic, he probably also has a picture of his jacked up truck and a picture of him wearing a camo hat with a prized buck. Take the dip out of your lip, Bumpkin, and get on Farmers Only. As much as my family is redneck, no thanks. I'm not really into pictures of dead animals and I don't really want to be a part of a family that teaches children to shoot Bambi's mom starting at age 8. Not my thing.
So, What kind of guy do I actually swipe RIGHT on? Well, Mr. Right, of course!
Things I look for in a Right swipe:
1. Does he clean up nicely (e.g. is he wearing a suit in any picture)? How well tailored is said suit?
2. Does he say anything about his career? Does the sound of Mrs. Dr. Blah di Blah sound good to me?
3. What is his hairline like? If its non existent- no (I know, a tough break for you premature balders). If it's just starting to fade, yes (guys with strong hairlines have zero desire to settle. When it just starts receding, they start thinking more seriously about finding the right girl).
4. Does he express interest in anything beyond the basic human needs of music, food, and beer?
5. Does he have crazy eyes? (Men know what I mean, women ignore it more than men. I have a strict "No Crazy Eyes" policy. I've had my apartment broken into and gotten 4 a suicide calls because I ignored crazy eyes. Heed my warning!)
6. If he passes the hotness test, had something worthy to say about himself, had no children in his pictures, and we BOTH swipe right- does he talk to me first? I'm not old fashioned, but I don't date pussies.
Because the kind of guy I swipe right for rarely finds my "I'm a stand up comedian, blogger, microbrew manager, avid memoir reader, Pomeranian owner, never-had-braceser" attractive, I don't hold high hopes for round 6 on Tinder. I still find it endlessly entertaining. I'll keep swiping because y'all are basic and I love to judge.
Swipe Always,
Sarah
