Swing

A curse and a blessing 

To feel things so deep;

The greatest of joys

And lows below weak.

One day I am up.

The next I am down.

A pendulum, just--

Flailing around.

Unprompted I change

Which way the wind blows.

I'm drunk on the highs,

And hung on the lows

"It's all in your head..."

Without a doubt.

Where else would it be?

Signs don't present out.

I don't get sickly

And I don't get a rash.

My mind shoots me up

I come down with a crash.

Am I addicted?

Maybe I am.

The peak's who is loved

The valley, my damn.

It must be hard 

With someone like me--

Hoping for highs,

Uncertainly.

I'll try to protect you,

But why can't it be

That I can be loved 

When I am me?

So take me or not.

Which would you have?

I hope the former;

The good AND the bad. 

I know it's a lot. 

I wish you would stay. 

Even if I am

Always this way.

My blessing, my curse--

I'll take the swings.

I much prefer it 

To feeling nothing.

My Monster

I was born with a demon

Whose home is my cage.

When I was a kid

He awoke with a rage.

He rattled and roared;

I screamed and I bawled.

With almost nothing

I built up some walls.

Over the years 

I've gathered more bricks.

The fortress I built 

Can handle his kicks.

He slumbers most often.

I keep the light out.

But every so often,

He wakes up to shout.

I know him some now;

Not a friend nor a foe,

But this dark part of me

I wish to let go.

If another way came 

That I could evict

This devil inside me 

And I may exist...

The weapons they make

Encourage him more;

He's worn down layers,

Gained in the war.

Each time he rattles 

I go find more stones,

But I'm tired of building 

It hurts in my bones.

He's quieter now.

I float through more days

Less often feeling 

His anger, this haze.

I know with each brick

I'm stronger than last;

But each time he howls,

I know he's not passed.

I still get afraid.

I'm willing more wall.

I still can't help ask

If he is my fall.

Will he escape,

Despite my travail?

Might it just be

I fall to my will?

An Ode for a Friend: A Poem

 I cried again for you today.

But, here and now-- this hour,

I write for you a happy tune

So it may be like flowers.

To bring 'round joy and happiness--

Perhaps to bring a smile.

So, I may feel as I once did

With you for just a while.

They say that grief is simply love

With no one here to claim it.

But, if I could, I know I would

-- The time, the place -- you name it.

Silly me. I know you can't.

I hope you're somewhere nice.

For all the things I can imagine

--Nothing after life.

I hope there is-- oh God do I!

But, just so I am clear,

There's not a single life or death

That I'd not find you, Dear.

If you're somewhere waiting for us,

Please, save me a spot.

Until then, I'll sing my grief.

My Friend, you're not forgot.

The Surgeon: A Poem

 Surgery, sans anesthetic

Is--

Painful for all.

The Patient, of course.

The Surgeon--

Proxy to the hell.

But-- I was that who lay

Bare on the table, as you

Cut and snipped and sawed

me into pieces

To fix me

And call me the one

Who was living

Because-- you -- saved me

You did what you

Were trained to do.

I trusted the credentials.

--The skill, the touch--

But--I wasn't sick!

Or broken!

Or failing

--When you examined.

The illness--

Was only the myth

That I-- needed

To be better.

You studied this body

And mind and heart.

Though flawed, were fine.

Yet, you found unwell.

So, I let you open me--

And, while you felt the pang

Of seeing me writhe--

Hollowed on.

And, when I

Bled out--

You sighed,

'At least we tried.'

And I--

Had given my life.

These Aren't Confessions

It's your son's birthday today. He's 4. He's making so many memories now-- taking it all in.

I hear your laugh; the one I used to hear every day-- the one that made me laugh so hard I pissed myself and then you pissed yourself because I pissed myself. I wish he could hear it again, to remember it like I do.

When you became a mom there was a shift, not in a bad way; just more talk of "back then."

I think we both remembered a lot of the same highlights: Like me getting a C on that video we made for history class where we just beat each other with crutches while we wore skate helmets and called it  reenactment of the revolutionary war.... you managed a B for the SAME STUPID VIDEO. Cris made a cameo and we were the only two laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. I may have been asked to leave class... I don't recall; but it's likely. I'm sure you were permitted to stay.

Remember when we used to stay up all night in a pile of blankets in the dark listening to Death Cab?

I'm going to see them Wednesday with Rachel. We talk about you all the time and how important music was to all of us-- in bringing us together. I still curse the time when you all got to go to Against Me! without me. We finally got to go together in college. We wouldn't have had any reason to sit at lunch together and start talking gibberish if it hadn't been for Alkaline Trio. Music was at the heart of a lot of  your friendships, but that was never just it.

Our first sleep over, we stayed up all night listening to "Baby I'm An Anarchist." We dyed our hair Fire Engine Red and Fluorescent Pink. You even dyed your pubes. I had never met anyone like you. Still haven't. We laughed for years about it. My mom did not laugh. I was pretty sure I was never going to be able to stay over again. It was the first time I realized even being grounded-- there was nothing she could do about it; it was beyond empowering to make decisions and realize the consequences were nothing. There was no real harm done, so why not live a little?

That time in the SNOWSTORM we moved a bunk bed across the college campus JUST THE TWO OF US because no one would move it for us in a truck?... And Kevin happened to be driving by with his mom and hopped out to help us lug it in the storm. Kevin and I had lunch and talked about you a lot.

Oh man, do you remember that old porn on VHS from 1978 we watched hiding in the basement? It was horrifyingly amazing.

I drank my first beer with you among other firsts.
Had my first real fight with you-- we called it a fist fight but we really just punched each other in the boobs really hard until we both apologized.
You were there for my first (PG) sleep over with my first real boyfriend.
You were the first phone call I made when I lost my virginity-- because, FINALLY amirite?
You were the first one to make me feel like I belonged. You made everyone feel that way. Everyone was one of the cool kids when they were with you.

I know we gave our parents a run for their money, and I will regret saying this when I'm the parent on the other side, but I really hope my kids get the chance to have a friend like you. Someone who shows them that as long as no one is getting hurt, it's okay to break the rules. Where there was a will there was a way for us-- "No" was merely a suggestion when we were told so. Someone who knows that it's better to go out and experience the world and make a few mistakes rather than play it safe and be boring. I really hope they meet a friend with whom they can just sit in the dark and listen to music, just be with. I hope they make a friend that makes them feel like one of the cool kids-- even if they had no business being there with the cool kids in the first place.

Don't worry, I will shelter Ollie from these memories for a while-- something tells me he wont ever read this (by then) antiquated blog by one of his mom's old friends. And I'll wait until he's old enough to know before I tell the tellable ones. Cris will keep me in check; since she's a mom too and knows better than I do what we are supposed to tell them.

I'm so afraid that this is it. This is all I will remember when I'm old-- because I don't have you now to remember the things I have already forgotten and there's no way I can put down half of our lives together in this stupid post. There are so many moments I want to keep. I will keep what I can. I promise. I love you. Your son knows you love him more than anything, Don and your mom are making sure of that.  I wish you were here all the time. We all do, Sar.


<3 Rah

27 Things I Learned by 27

scio me nihil scire.

(In no particular order. Pardon the cliches.)
1. Friends are the family we make for ourselves. We have our nuclear families, whatever they may be: Good, bad, beautiful, ugly, happy, sad, fulfilling, lonely. Friends, we get to choose. We get to cherry pick the people who will learn our secrets, our fears, our ambitions. We get to choose our cheerleaders, our counselors, our confidants. In my life, there has been no love like the fierce friendships I have made and kept. The deep love and appreciation I have for the ones who have been loyal to me is unwavering. I tell them sincerely and I tell them often how much I love them.

2. It doesn't get easier; we get better. Whether it's muscling through another heartbreak, or getting rejected for that lead role, it never gets easier. We get tougher. We learn what to do better or which red flags to heed next time. If we expect it to get easier, we set ourselves up to fail. We must use every opportunity to fortify ourselves and hone our skills.

3. We don't have to know everything right now. It can be so disheartening when we think we know what we want out of life and realize when it feels all but too late that we didn't want it at all. We see our friends who have known since day one exactly who they wanted to be fulfilling their dreams. I wanted to be an actress, a singer, a writer. I wanted to be a lit professor, a chef, a painter. I wanted to be a lawyer, a physicist, a mother. I still have no idea what I want. But, I know which of those things I don't want, now. It was a lesson hard-learned that I don't have to have it all laid out what my future is, but can compile the list of  "hell nos" instead. Me being a lawyer? HELL NO.

4. It is OK to change our minds. It is better to educate ourselves and really be introspective than to be ignorant and unaware. We can't be afraid to admit we have changed, especially for the better. No longer think Gay marriage is a sin? AWESOME! Don't think having kids is for you? RESPONSIBLE CHOICE! It's OK to be different people than we were 10 years ago. The world is changing, so can we.

5.  Love until it hurts, unless it's the love that hurts. We cannot be afraid to put ourselves out there. Broken hearts hurt but they make us strong. Fearing a broken heart entirely will ensure we will never find love. But, if it is the love that hurts, we need to walk. There is no room to make excuses or work for something that hurts us for fear of losing it. I've been there. Read THIS if you don't remember. I was aggressively kind to him in that post because I was still mourning in the wake of the love we had. He was a manipulative narcissist. But, goddammit if I didn't learn SO MUCH from him. I won some of the best friendships through my tumultuous relationship with him. I have used what I learned and bailed on other emotionally abusive men--bullets dodged. Ultimately, I only regret how long I worked for our love. Despite the crushing heartbreak and crying so hard I think I'll puke, and losing myself just to have to find it again-- I will never stop loving and trying to love passionately, deeply. It is important to fight for it. We just need to make sure we aren't fighting the person we love for it.

6. Skinny isn't enough. It doesn't matter how hard we try to be beautiful, thin, everything the airbrushed magazines beg of us, it's not enough. I was 5'3" and 150lbs in the 8th grade. I was obsessed with getting thin starting at 14. It never happened. MVP cheerleader with thunder thighs and an 18-minute mile; but a tiny brick house. I have fluctuated over the last 13 years. I have been so heavy from depression and drinking that I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I got hopped up on diet pills and lost 20% of my body weight and 13% body fat. I was eating 1000 calories a day and working out for an hour and a half 4x a week. I am 27, and it wasn't until my last break up that I truly understood what it meant to accept myself. I cannot live my life wondering if I am thin enough to be loved by someone or if I put on 10lbs will he leave me. The obsession was going to kill me. Literally. I had to break the cycle of self-deprecation and loathing. I'm back to 150. Still 5'3". I think this is where my body wants to be."The real scam is that being bones isn't enough either. The game is rigged. There is no perfection." - Lindy West, Shrill:Notes from a Loud Woman

7. Don't drink and drive, your dog wont understand why you didn't come home. I know from experience.

8. Our mental disorders do not define us. I spent years self-medicating with alcohol. Just to wake up an anxious mess and do it all again. I still don't know if it was the chicken or the egg; did I drink because I was anxious or was I anxious because I drank. There are 800 layers to my anxiety disorder-- throw in a little obsessive tendency and and a fragile self-esteem and it's a perfect cocktail for becoming "that girl." The hot-mess party girl. It comes with caveats. She is the girl who drunk texts, the girl that loses her purse, the girl that cries her mascara off in the bathroom, and comes out to take 2 more shots, the one her friends have to pour into an Uber and beg the driver to take home and promise she wont puke. She is the girl who finds herself awake at 5a panicking about all of that, but also about work, love, the dog, the oven, the weather in June. We are all a work in progress. We are dynamic. We are allowed to change. Sometimes we just need to get the help we need. Get therapy. Get addiction counseling. Get educated on our own disorders, and work hard to get healthy. There is no shame in having a mental disorder. There is no shame in getting better.

9. Dogs are better than humans. They are so pure and we don't deserve them. Don't believe me? Go watch any movie about a dog and try not to cry. Get a dog. Take the responsibility and use it to grow. Also: wiggly tails and all the kisses. We all get used to the stinky breath.

10. Drugs are everywhere. And sometimes they take people we love.

11. Embrace the adventure. Pardon the shit analogy, but life is going to throw us curve balls. We can swing at them and do our best to score or we can stand waiting for another to come at 94mph-- but, they will come. I always chose to swing, "Swing away, Merrill"* style. The outcome was always an unexpected turn in my life. It is much more fun than anything I could have planned. Emily Dickinson said, "The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience." Brilliant woman.
*Yeah, it's a Signs reference. 

12. Our childhood heroes might disappoint us in adulthood. Try to remember that no one is perfect.

13. Laughter is the best medicine. From sibling fights to broken hearts, physical illness or mental-- you would be surprised how laughter heals. Spread that shit everywhere.

14. Everyone is a little gay. Sexuality is not black and white. People will try to pigeon hole us into an identity they can digest. I happen to date men, so I guess I am straight. But, I find women and trans men and women attractive too. Pan sexual isn't out of the possibility of labels for me. I just happen to gravitate more strongly toward hetero-normative relationships. Go be you. And don't be afraid of being on the spectrum in a position that isn't black or white.

15. It is NEVER ok to use derogatory slang. Back when I was 14, everything stupid was "gay*" and everyone I hated was a "fag". If I didn't like something it was "retarded" and if it was in the song, I could say "the N word". Abso-fucking-lutely-not. And this isn't some "snowflake" concept and I'm oh-so-offended by these words. It's FUCKED UP to use them. The argument doesn't stand that those marginalized groups embrace the slang for empowerment, so we are just helping them redefine the status quo- No. Just no. I've ended dates over casual use of the word "retarded" and I stand by my decision. How is this even an argument? Just because the word doesn't offend you personally, doesn't mean it doesn't affect people around you in a deep, painful, historically oppressive way. Wake the fuck up.
*In case you were wondering why it was OK for me to say "Everyone is a little gay" and then cite "Gay" as a derogatory term, please note the context and implication if the uses. One is meant to describe a group of delightful people that don't fit into hetero-normative definitions of sexuality; the other is that same word used to describe something lesser than, something hateful, something unacceptable. Context, tone, and reception of the word all matter. It is both in how you say it and how it is interpreted. And, guess what! You don't get to control how people interpret what you say. Sorry boutchya. Don't call things or people "Gay" unless you mean it lovingly brought extra body glitter.

16. Don't waste any time on something that makes you unhappy. If we are so particular about who we spend 8 hours a night sleeping next to, then we need to be particular about how we spend 8 hours a day at work. If we are ever unhappy in a job or career, we can't be afraid to examine why and make adjustments accordingly- within or outside of our current employment situation.

17. To expand on that: If it isn't "FUCK YES" then it's "FUCK NO." I read this article a few years ago, and as irresponsible as my roommate claims the thesis to be, it has guided a lot of my decisions and I have been unfathomably happy. Before I adopted this vetting process, I was in lackluster jobs and relationships. I found myself in so many awkward social situations I couldn't wait to escape. This school of thought is less about being flippant or rash, and more about making sure that you are investing your time-- your most valuable resource-- into things that you are truly passionate about and make you into the kind of person you want to be... even if you don't exactly know who that is just yet. And, it encourages you to take risks where the risk is worth the taking. Let passion drive you, and your efforts will never be in vain.

18. Men and women cheat. I didn't say all men and women cheat. But, if we are generalizing, both parties are guilty. And, frankly it is maybe the most discouraging thing to think anyone would cheat on Beyonce. I'm still a personal work in progress on digesting this information... Excuse me while I go read #5 again.

19. Coffee. It's a way bigger deal than I ever thought it would be. I started drinking my coffee black at 14 . It was over before it began. Coffee isn't just coffee. It's an experience, a form of meditation, a remembrance. Coffee.

20.  Money comes and goes, but memories are for a lifetime. I will never say no to being a bridesmaid. I will never say no to a bachelorette party. I will do my best to never say no to a shower or ceremony celebrating my friends and their milestones. Because, no matter how broke (and man have I been freaking broke), or spread thin on time, or tired I am, no job or money will ever bring me the joy of sharing special occasions with the family I have made for myself. Sharing love is priority #1. I get it takes money to do these things-- but where there's a will, there's a way.

21. If you mix your alcohol, you're gonna have a bad time. No details necessary here. Seemed fitting for #21.

22. Take pride in your appearance. Both online and in real life. I don't mean you have to put on a full face of makeup or wear a 3-piece suit daily; unless you want to. But take care of yourself and put your best foot forward. You'll have more confidence and self-esteem, which will ultimately pave the way for other successes. The same goes for your online presence. Take pride in the way you represent yourself. I write about a lot of salacious things, but that is my art. My comedy is crude, but that is my art. As long as I understand the ramifications of presenting myself in this way, I can present these things with pride. They truly give me confidence. I believe in the power of sharing my experiences so people can learn from them. I believe in the power of comedy to bring us together. It calls out the ridiculous and forces us to examine the world and ourselves. There is power in taking pride in our appearance. Do it.

23. We must not sacrifice our needs for someone else's. In my years (bleh) of online dating, I have been in nearly every kind of relationship; committed and happy, committed and miserable, FWB, one time flings, the ghosts (both ghosting and being ghosted), one of the harem, the quasi-relationship with monogamy but no titles... you get the idea. What I have learned is that I am no good at anything other than committed, monogamous relationships. You may laugh and say you already knew that. I knew that when my first FWB situation produced unrequited feelings. But, here we are. On the other side of all these lessons learned the hardest way-- knowing what I already knew. At least I'll never wonder if I missed out on anything fun?

24. We are all figuring it out. I just learned how to do my taxes last year. My credit score is in the mid 600s due to years of maxing credit cards. I don't understand IRAs. I still have acne. I need roommates to afford a place. My bed was on the floor until a month ago. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up-- and I already done growed up. We are all figuring it out. So were our parents, and their parents. We should really forgive them for anything they messed up. I couldn't do it now and I am 10 years older than my Nana when she got married and popped out her first kid. I'm panicking just thinking about her situation.

25. To thine own self be true. I meet at least once a year with my high school theater teacher and every year he asks the same thing of me, "Why aren't you doing your art?" I usually am, in small dollops like this. I remind him. He reminds me that trying to fit myself into the world of the "normal" life will never work. I wasn't cut for it. I will never be happy pushing a pencil at a 9-5. I remind him I love him, and I am still working on it. Someday, George. I will get there. Promise.

26. Self-care is not selfish.  We must remember we need time for reflection, time for peace*, time for a bubble bath or a novel and a cup of tea. We must drive our lives toward adventure, but we can't forget to stop for gas.
*If you don't have it, you should get the Insight Timer app for Meditation. I have heard good things about Headspace, but Insight is free and has hundreds of guided meditations, music, literature, and social network support for you to begin your self-care from within. Meditation has been genuinely life-changing for me.

27. Nothing lasts forever. That goes for sadness too. We must learn to relish in the good when we have it; and persevere through the bad when we are asked to trudge through it. Let the knowledge of endings call you to appreciate happiness while you feel it, and give you strength and hope when you are suffering. "...Cause without the bitter, baby, the sweet ain't as sweet." - Cameron Crowe, Vanilla Sky 

The Risk of Not Taking Risks

No matter how you look at it, there is always something at stake. Either you risk sacrificing comfort, security, placated happiness, and certainty; or you sacrifice adventure, change, experience, a different (and arguably) greater happiness. I have done my fair share of sacrificing both.

For those of you who know me personally, know that I default to the latter-- but not usually until a mental meltdown, a weekend bender, and a few months in a therapists office waiting for them to tell me what the right choice is for me. Though, they never tell me a straight forward answer, one thing has been consistent. They have all expressed their confidence in me to handle extreme change and take action in any situation that no longer serves to make me happy. Shout out to all of my therapists in all of the cities I've had breakdowns in over the years: Adam, Joanna, Kevin, (by default and informally) my current roommate Chelsea, who is getting her PsyD. You da real MVPs.

It's been 10 months since I said one of the biggest "fuck it alls" of my life and packed a bag for Chicago. There were so many things that seemed to be coming down on me. Though the "fuck it all" may make this seem like I didn't, I grappled seriously with the decision to drop everything and start over. I had an upper management job at a badass startup, but I felt dead-ended and disrespected. I was finally living completely alone with just the dog, but I was always in fear of my landlord for a compound of reasons. My family and I were on the outs more than the ins. And, I had just gone through the hardest and most drawn out breakup of the century from the man I was madly in love with who happened to also be an emotionally abusive narcissist. Needless to say, 10-Month-Ago Me made the right choice.

On paper, I had everything; The career, the independence, the downtown apartment overlooking the river and skyline. In reality, I was more miserable than I had been in a very long time. I spent three days on my couch trying to muster up the gall to even take the dog out because leaving my house gave me so much anxiety that I would hyperventilate and cry at minimum for two hours after I brought the dog back inside. The only thing that could help me sleep a little was to get stoned and watch Netflix hoping it would distract me. Sometimes it worked.

It took a few months of therapy, one afternoon in the Chicago, my resume in hand, two interviews, and one phone call for a job offer (before I even left the city- yay me!) to change my life for the better.

I submitted my letter of resignation through tears and a heartfelt "Thank You," but knew the relief I felt was warranted. The next two weeks dragged on as I finished my duties at the start up and on my off days commuted an hour and a half/two hours to Chicago for training at my new job as a bartender in the loop. Some days I still have to quiet my ego and remind myself that even though I'm not using my degree and I can't brag at my class reunion about my big-girl job with benefits and a 401k, I absolutely made the right decision. Abso-fucking-lutely.

My first three months I spent living out of a suitcase and crashing with friends. Timing was right because my good friend Angela was leaving for a two-week vacation after the first week I stayed with her, so I got a bonus two weeks on my own in her studio. I even got a bed- not a couch. Score. After that I stayed with a close friend from my life in Iowa City, Taylor (It's her birthday today. Happy birthday, Tay! I hope we win those Hamilton tickets!). Then, I stayed with one of my closest friends from high school and college, Thaddeus. It was great because it was like getting to catch up on the last 5 years over the week. Then he went and moved to Seattle. See ya in another 5 years, Thud. I even stayed in a hostel for a bit which was a cool new experience for me. Finally, I crashed with my girl Beth whom I met a few years ago at a mutual friend's wedding. We were instant best friends then, but hadn't kept in terribly close contact after doing the Cha Cha slide together and making fun of that couple we didn't like (true friendship is based in mutual distaste). Two weeks with her was especially awesome because I could bring my dog to stay with us. After a few months without him, I was in desperate need of his company. Dogs are the best, aren't they?

Immediately after coming to Chicago, I felt more loved, welcome, and free than I had in what seemed like an eternity. None of my friends had to take me in, but did. I couldn't be more grateful. I still owe them all whatever I can give for my gratitude.

A few weeks of apartment hunting and some insane responses to my craigslist ad seeking a roommate with a picture of me and the dog (responses pictured below), I narrowed it down to two places in the same neighborhood. The first place was with a guy who seemed really interesting. He worked as a camera man and everything about him seemed artistic and cool-- until I met him and he was so high on drugs he confessed he used to be a male prostitute and that all of his roommates over the last eight years had worked in the sex industry of some sort. I decided to live with the PsyD candidate with central air and laundry in the unit for a little more money and a lot less WTF. THANKS FOR BEING NORMAL, CHELSEA! I mean, I know we both use the word "normal" liberally when referring to either of us... But, still. Yes. Normal.

Sure, yes, Shelly, I totally moved to Chicago to end up in porn. Not comedy or writing or with the hopes of my karaoke career taking flight. I should have taken her up on it and moved in with the ex male prostitute. I wonder who I could have been if I had just replied to this e-mail. I could have potentially had one major adult film success called White Sluts with Average Butts. Wow, what a life. See what happens when you don't take risks?

Uhm, this seems benign. No thanks, anyway. Bye.

Well, sir, you see, I'm looking for a place to live. Not a place for my body to be discovered in a deep freeze and taken to cook county with photos of it posed in various ways. I want to be famous but not in the Black Dahlia way. I'd rather have the kind of fame where I get to meet Beyonce and Jennifer Lawrence. So, I think I'll take a pass on this one.

I was looking for a roommate... But, duh. Why do you think he was the first and only dog I walked when I went to the shelter to adopt? He's the MOST HANDSOME AND GOOD BOY EVER EVER. YES HE IS! WHO'S A GOOD BOY? JUDGE IS! YES! brb, gotta go pet him...

Aaaaand, we are back to creepy. Sir, this is having a live-in sex slave. Why is everyone on Craigslist obsessed with sex? I mean, we all love it, but y'all should try meeting people in real life. If you are so creepy that you can't get a date in real life, you should probably consider that it's because this was your default option-- to reply to a stranger on the internet and ask her to perform wifely duties and sex you in return for housing and access to your Netflix account. Are you seeing where maybe some women are picking up on your creepy vibes? No? Ok. Just keep doing what you're doing then. It'll probably work out eventually.

This is now the part where I need to reassure my mother that I am safe and that I did not reply to any of these; except the one about Judge because this person clearly just wanted to be polite and state the obvious so I said "Thank you" and that was that.

Back to the point.

I moved into my place in August and life has been peachy since.

I still have my moments when my anxiety wakes me up at ungodly hours and keeps me up on my days off. But, that's because I will never really live without my anxiety. I will never really conquer it because anxiety isn't something I can conquer. I don't take medication for it, because I've never had a therapist (nor would I choose one) that would prescribe me something to shut it off. Not that I don't believe some people need it. I understand that it is a disease and some people require medication for it. For me, this thing that lives in my head drives me to change. It drives me to better myself, to run as fast as I can away from and to things that I wouldn't otherwise (mostly because I hate running).

It  isn't easy any day. It's hard when I'm walking down the street and I realize for the 100th time that day that I don't feel I'm enough and I quietly have to re-regulate my breathing. It's hard when I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I forgot to pay that bill or if my checking account is overdrawn (99.9% of the time neither of these is the case- ah, the irony) and I lie awake for four more hours after I check it online because my adrenaline came to the party. Then next thing I know, I'm hooked on another season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (May 19!), and I can't decide what to wear to work later, and the dog is sleeping so cute. Oh, my god. Did I really say that stupid thing to that cute guy yesterday? Ugh, I could die of embarrassment.

This is my life. This is how my brain works. It isn't easy, but in a bittersweet way, I am happy I have anxiety. I cannot imagine how I would have survived if I had never taken the risk to come to Chicago with no certainty of how much money I would make or where I would live or if it really would make me happy. That sounds so much scarier than staying put, but it wasn't. Staying put was eating me alive. I can promise you, I never looked back. Next time, I wont either.