It's your son's birthday today. He's 4. He's making so many memories now-- taking it all in.
I hear your laugh; the one I used to hear every day-- the one that made me laugh so hard I pissed myself and then you pissed yourself because I pissed myself. I wish he could hear it again, to remember it like I do.
When you became a mom there was a shift, not in a bad way; just more talk of "back then."
I think we both remembered a lot of the same highlights: Like me getting a C on that video we made for history class where we just beat each other with crutches while we wore skate helmets and called it reenactment of the revolutionary war.... you managed a B for the SAME STUPID VIDEO. Cris made a cameo and we were the only two laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. I may have been asked to leave class... I don't recall; but it's likely. I'm sure you were permitted to stay.
Remember when we used to stay up all night in a pile of blankets in the dark listening to Death Cab?
I'm going to see them Wednesday with Rachel. We talk about you all the time and how important music was to all of us-- in bringing us together. I still curse the time when you all got to go to Against Me! without me. We finally got to go together in college. We wouldn't have had any reason to sit at lunch together and start talking gibberish if it hadn't been for Alkaline Trio. Music was at the heart of a lot of your friendships, but that was never just it.
Our first sleep over, we stayed up all night listening to "Baby I'm An Anarchist." We dyed our hair Fire Engine Red and Fluorescent Pink. You even dyed your pubes. I had never met anyone like you. Still haven't. We laughed for years about it. My mom did not laugh. I was pretty sure I was never going to be able to stay over again. It was the first time I realized even being grounded-- there was nothing she could do about it; it was beyond empowering to make decisions and realize the consequences were nothing. There was no real harm done, so why not live a little?
That time in the SNOWSTORM we moved a bunk bed across the college campus JUST THE TWO OF US because no one would move it for us in a truck?... And Kevin happened to be driving by with his mom and hopped out to help us lug it in the storm. Kevin and I had lunch and talked about you a lot.
Oh man, do you remember that old porn on VHS from 1978 we watched hiding in the basement? It was horrifyingly amazing.
I drank my first beer with you among other firsts.
Had my first real fight with you-- we called it a fist fight but we really just punched each other in the boobs really hard until we both apologized.
You were there for my first (PG) sleep over with my first real boyfriend.
You were the first phone call I made when I lost my virginity-- because, FINALLY amirite?
You were the first one to make me feel like I belonged. You made everyone feel that way. Everyone was one of the cool kids when they were with you.
I know we gave our parents a run for their money, and I will regret saying this when I'm the parent on the other side, but I really hope my kids get the chance to have a friend like you. Someone who shows them that as long as no one is getting hurt, it's okay to break the rules. Where there was a will there was a way for us-- "No" was merely a suggestion when we were told so. Someone who knows that it's better to go out and experience the world and make a few mistakes rather than play it safe and be boring. I really hope they meet a friend with whom they can just sit in the dark and listen to music, just be with. I hope they make a friend that makes them feel like one of the cool kids-- even if they had no business being there with the cool kids in the first place.
Don't worry, I will shelter Ollie from these memories for a while-- something tells me he wont ever read this (by then) antiquated blog by one of his mom's old friends. And I'll wait until he's old enough to know before I tell the tellable ones. Cris will keep me in check; since she's a mom too and knows better than I do what we are supposed to tell them.
I'm so afraid that this is it. This is all I will remember when I'm old-- because I don't have you now to remember the things I have already forgotten and there's no way I can put down half of our lives together in this stupid post. There are so many moments I want to keep. I will keep what I can. I promise. I love you. Your son knows you love him more than anything, Don and your mom are making sure of that. I wish you were here all the time. We all do, Sar.
<3 Rah
