27 Things I Learned by 27

scio me nihil scire.

(In no particular order. Pardon the cliches.)
1. Friends are the family we make for ourselves. We have our nuclear families, whatever they may be: Good, bad, beautiful, ugly, happy, sad, fulfilling, lonely. Friends, we get to choose. We get to cherry pick the people who will learn our secrets, our fears, our ambitions. We get to choose our cheerleaders, our counselors, our confidants. In my life, there has been no love like the fierce friendships I have made and kept. The deep love and appreciation I have for the ones who have been loyal to me is unwavering. I tell them sincerely and I tell them often how much I love them.

2. It doesn't get easier; we get better. Whether it's muscling through another heartbreak, or getting rejected for that lead role, it never gets easier. We get tougher. We learn what to do better or which red flags to heed next time. If we expect it to get easier, we set ourselves up to fail. We must use every opportunity to fortify ourselves and hone our skills.

3. We don't have to know everything right now. It can be so disheartening when we think we know what we want out of life and realize when it feels all but too late that we didn't want it at all. We see our friends who have known since day one exactly who they wanted to be fulfilling their dreams. I wanted to be an actress, a singer, a writer. I wanted to be a lit professor, a chef, a painter. I wanted to be a lawyer, a physicist, a mother. I still have no idea what I want. But, I know which of those things I don't want, now. It was a lesson hard-learned that I don't have to have it all laid out what my future is, but can compile the list of  "hell nos" instead. Me being a lawyer? HELL NO.

4. It is OK to change our minds. It is better to educate ourselves and really be introspective than to be ignorant and unaware. We can't be afraid to admit we have changed, especially for the better. No longer think Gay marriage is a sin? AWESOME! Don't think having kids is for you? RESPONSIBLE CHOICE! It's OK to be different people than we were 10 years ago. The world is changing, so can we.

5.  Love until it hurts, unless it's the love that hurts. We cannot be afraid to put ourselves out there. Broken hearts hurt but they make us strong. Fearing a broken heart entirely will ensure we will never find love. But, if it is the love that hurts, we need to walk. There is no room to make excuses or work for something that hurts us for fear of losing it. I've been there. Read THIS if you don't remember. I was aggressively kind to him in that post because I was still mourning in the wake of the love we had. He was a manipulative narcissist. But, goddammit if I didn't learn SO MUCH from him. I won some of the best friendships through my tumultuous relationship with him. I have used what I learned and bailed on other emotionally abusive men--bullets dodged. Ultimately, I only regret how long I worked for our love. Despite the crushing heartbreak and crying so hard I think I'll puke, and losing myself just to have to find it again-- I will never stop loving and trying to love passionately, deeply. It is important to fight for it. We just need to make sure we aren't fighting the person we love for it.

6. Skinny isn't enough. It doesn't matter how hard we try to be beautiful, thin, everything the airbrushed magazines beg of us, it's not enough. I was 5'3" and 150lbs in the 8th grade. I was obsessed with getting thin starting at 14. It never happened. MVP cheerleader with thunder thighs and an 18-minute mile; but a tiny brick house. I have fluctuated over the last 13 years. I have been so heavy from depression and drinking that I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. I got hopped up on diet pills and lost 20% of my body weight and 13% body fat. I was eating 1000 calories a day and working out for an hour and a half 4x a week. I am 27, and it wasn't until my last break up that I truly understood what it meant to accept myself. I cannot live my life wondering if I am thin enough to be loved by someone or if I put on 10lbs will he leave me. The obsession was going to kill me. Literally. I had to break the cycle of self-deprecation and loathing. I'm back to 150. Still 5'3". I think this is where my body wants to be."The real scam is that being bones isn't enough either. The game is rigged. There is no perfection." - Lindy West, Shrill:Notes from a Loud Woman

7. Don't drink and drive, your dog wont understand why you didn't come home. I know from experience.

8. Our mental disorders do not define us. I spent years self-medicating with alcohol. Just to wake up an anxious mess and do it all again. I still don't know if it was the chicken or the egg; did I drink because I was anxious or was I anxious because I drank. There are 800 layers to my anxiety disorder-- throw in a little obsessive tendency and and a fragile self-esteem and it's a perfect cocktail for becoming "that girl." The hot-mess party girl. It comes with caveats. She is the girl who drunk texts, the girl that loses her purse, the girl that cries her mascara off in the bathroom, and comes out to take 2 more shots, the one her friends have to pour into an Uber and beg the driver to take home and promise she wont puke. She is the girl who finds herself awake at 5a panicking about all of that, but also about work, love, the dog, the oven, the weather in June. We are all a work in progress. We are dynamic. We are allowed to change. Sometimes we just need to get the help we need. Get therapy. Get addiction counseling. Get educated on our own disorders, and work hard to get healthy. There is no shame in having a mental disorder. There is no shame in getting better.

9. Dogs are better than humans. They are so pure and we don't deserve them. Don't believe me? Go watch any movie about a dog and try not to cry. Get a dog. Take the responsibility and use it to grow. Also: wiggly tails and all the kisses. We all get used to the stinky breath.

10. Drugs are everywhere. And sometimes they take people we love.

11. Embrace the adventure. Pardon the shit analogy, but life is going to throw us curve balls. We can swing at them and do our best to score or we can stand waiting for another to come at 94mph-- but, they will come. I always chose to swing, "Swing away, Merrill"* style. The outcome was always an unexpected turn in my life. It is much more fun than anything I could have planned. Emily Dickinson said, "The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience." Brilliant woman.
*Yeah, it's a Signs reference. 

12. Our childhood heroes might disappoint us in adulthood. Try to remember that no one is perfect.

13. Laughter is the best medicine. From sibling fights to broken hearts, physical illness or mental-- you would be surprised how laughter heals. Spread that shit everywhere.

14. Everyone is a little gay. Sexuality is not black and white. People will try to pigeon hole us into an identity they can digest. I happen to date men, so I guess I am straight. But, I find women and trans men and women attractive too. Pan sexual isn't out of the possibility of labels for me. I just happen to gravitate more strongly toward hetero-normative relationships. Go be you. And don't be afraid of being on the spectrum in a position that isn't black or white.

15. It is NEVER ok to use derogatory slang. Back when I was 14, everything stupid was "gay*" and everyone I hated was a "fag". If I didn't like something it was "retarded" and if it was in the song, I could say "the N word". Abso-fucking-lutely-not. And this isn't some "snowflake" concept and I'm oh-so-offended by these words. It's FUCKED UP to use them. The argument doesn't stand that those marginalized groups embrace the slang for empowerment, so we are just helping them redefine the status quo- No. Just no. I've ended dates over casual use of the word "retarded" and I stand by my decision. How is this even an argument? Just because the word doesn't offend you personally, doesn't mean it doesn't affect people around you in a deep, painful, historically oppressive way. Wake the fuck up.
*In case you were wondering why it was OK for me to say "Everyone is a little gay" and then cite "Gay" as a derogatory term, please note the context and implication if the uses. One is meant to describe a group of delightful people that don't fit into hetero-normative definitions of sexuality; the other is that same word used to describe something lesser than, something hateful, something unacceptable. Context, tone, and reception of the word all matter. It is both in how you say it and how it is interpreted. And, guess what! You don't get to control how people interpret what you say. Sorry boutchya. Don't call things or people "Gay" unless you mean it lovingly brought extra body glitter.

16. Don't waste any time on something that makes you unhappy. If we are so particular about who we spend 8 hours a night sleeping next to, then we need to be particular about how we spend 8 hours a day at work. If we are ever unhappy in a job or career, we can't be afraid to examine why and make adjustments accordingly- within or outside of our current employment situation.

17. To expand on that: If it isn't "FUCK YES" then it's "FUCK NO." I read this article a few years ago, and as irresponsible as my roommate claims the thesis to be, it has guided a lot of my decisions and I have been unfathomably happy. Before I adopted this vetting process, I was in lackluster jobs and relationships. I found myself in so many awkward social situations I couldn't wait to escape. This school of thought is less about being flippant or rash, and more about making sure that you are investing your time-- your most valuable resource-- into things that you are truly passionate about and make you into the kind of person you want to be... even if you don't exactly know who that is just yet. And, it encourages you to take risks where the risk is worth the taking. Let passion drive you, and your efforts will never be in vain.

18. Men and women cheat. I didn't say all men and women cheat. But, if we are generalizing, both parties are guilty. And, frankly it is maybe the most discouraging thing to think anyone would cheat on Beyonce. I'm still a personal work in progress on digesting this information... Excuse me while I go read #5 again.

19. Coffee. It's a way bigger deal than I ever thought it would be. I started drinking my coffee black at 14 . It was over before it began. Coffee isn't just coffee. It's an experience, a form of meditation, a remembrance. Coffee.

20.  Money comes and goes, but memories are for a lifetime. I will never say no to being a bridesmaid. I will never say no to a bachelorette party. I will do my best to never say no to a shower or ceremony celebrating my friends and their milestones. Because, no matter how broke (and man have I been freaking broke), or spread thin on time, or tired I am, no job or money will ever bring me the joy of sharing special occasions with the family I have made for myself. Sharing love is priority #1. I get it takes money to do these things-- but where there's a will, there's a way.

21. If you mix your alcohol, you're gonna have a bad time. No details necessary here. Seemed fitting for #21.

22. Take pride in your appearance. Both online and in real life. I don't mean you have to put on a full face of makeup or wear a 3-piece suit daily; unless you want to. But take care of yourself and put your best foot forward. You'll have more confidence and self-esteem, which will ultimately pave the way for other successes. The same goes for your online presence. Take pride in the way you represent yourself. I write about a lot of salacious things, but that is my art. My comedy is crude, but that is my art. As long as I understand the ramifications of presenting myself in this way, I can present these things with pride. They truly give me confidence. I believe in the power of sharing my experiences so people can learn from them. I believe in the power of comedy to bring us together. It calls out the ridiculous and forces us to examine the world and ourselves. There is power in taking pride in our appearance. Do it.

23. We must not sacrifice our needs for someone else's. In my years (bleh) of online dating, I have been in nearly every kind of relationship; committed and happy, committed and miserable, FWB, one time flings, the ghosts (both ghosting and being ghosted), one of the harem, the quasi-relationship with monogamy but no titles... you get the idea. What I have learned is that I am no good at anything other than committed, monogamous relationships. You may laugh and say you already knew that. I knew that when my first FWB situation produced unrequited feelings. But, here we are. On the other side of all these lessons learned the hardest way-- knowing what I already knew. At least I'll never wonder if I missed out on anything fun?

24. We are all figuring it out. I just learned how to do my taxes last year. My credit score is in the mid 600s due to years of maxing credit cards. I don't understand IRAs. I still have acne. I need roommates to afford a place. My bed was on the floor until a month ago. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up-- and I already done growed up. We are all figuring it out. So were our parents, and their parents. We should really forgive them for anything they messed up. I couldn't do it now and I am 10 years older than my Nana when she got married and popped out her first kid. I'm panicking just thinking about her situation.

25. To thine own self be true. I meet at least once a year with my high school theater teacher and every year he asks the same thing of me, "Why aren't you doing your art?" I usually am, in small dollops like this. I remind him. He reminds me that trying to fit myself into the world of the "normal" life will never work. I wasn't cut for it. I will never be happy pushing a pencil at a 9-5. I remind him I love him, and I am still working on it. Someday, George. I will get there. Promise.

26. Self-care is not selfish.  We must remember we need time for reflection, time for peace*, time for a bubble bath or a novel and a cup of tea. We must drive our lives toward adventure, but we can't forget to stop for gas.
*If you don't have it, you should get the Insight Timer app for Meditation. I have heard good things about Headspace, but Insight is free and has hundreds of guided meditations, music, literature, and social network support for you to begin your self-care from within. Meditation has been genuinely life-changing for me.

27. Nothing lasts forever. That goes for sadness too. We must learn to relish in the good when we have it; and persevere through the bad when we are asked to trudge through it. Let the knowledge of endings call you to appreciate happiness while you feel it, and give you strength and hope when you are suffering. "...Cause without the bitter, baby, the sweet ain't as sweet." - Cameron Crowe, Vanilla Sky